Baldwin doesn’t get around to many powerful, convincing points until the end of the piece. This is good to end on a memorable note, but for conveying information to humans, that’s not the best way to do it. Always assume that people will get bored and stop reading. Strongest points up towards the top so that if they read nothing but the beginning, you will have gotten the most of your point across as best as you could.

Baldwin is also very vague with some of his ideas. Or he won’t say things straight on. Good writing says the same amount in fewer words. He’ll say things in fewer words, but not very clearly. And if it’s not that, then he’ll be saying something that requires a fair amount of interpreting before one is able to reach a clear answer. Yes, coming to an answer on your own is a good way to have knowledge, because you relate it to many more things and have a little bit of a personal stake in it, but one can’t always be sure that it’s the intended meaning or not. Also for the less engaged audience, (i.e., most people not reading it for an English class) it should deliver more, as they won’t be spending time reading into it.

Jones does a good job of connecting her points into her own story. Story is the most effective way to learn and remember any thing, as well as persuade or influence someone. She also provided real world examples, implementing them clearly, and effectively. End with a powerful paragraph that supports the rest of her piece, without sacrificing putting meaty information up towards the top and scattered throughout (it’s a shorter piece, so more scatter is alright).

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Grading Baldwin and Jones

Aside

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